Saturday, June 30, 2012

Change & Choice

I have had an extreme amount of mounting personal thought going on for the better part of this year. I have thought, re-assessed, talked, asked, urged, and repeated the cycle over. I had to make a change this I knew, with this change would have to come a choice. This change would not be an easy change, it would be a dramatic change, that would change our family structure forever...

I do not like conflict, but I am in constant conflict with my natural being. I have been stringing along waiting patiently for an integral person to change on his own in my life. Before I said I do, we made a blueprint together that would have given everyone a shot at their dreams. Until he changed the blueprint by not following it and changing it without even talking to me. He made our life considerably harder and hardly has anything to say about it. I have talked, listened, suggested, and to no avail got no where.

I made a choice, a choice I never thought I would have to make. A choice to tell him where we stand, a choice to tell him how I felt about his dishonesty, his selfishness, his choices he made for himself that drastically changed our lives. I asked him to do something about it. I keep on waiting and before I know it he does more to drastically hurt that foundation. He is a good person, but he has made choices that are not beneficial and I sit here and try to hold it all together. However, over the course of the year the answer was becoming clearer.

I do not like ultimatums, but I pulled one out last night. I have given him chance after chance and I have no more of me to give. He gives nothing back to our family. He hasn't changed for his own well being, he refuses to grow. Therefore I made a choice to implement plan B. If he can grow, if can produce a miracle than we can stick with plan A. Right now my heart is so broken from all of the details I wont put here and I cannot trust that man anymore. I told him he had until February and then I would file for divorce. I told him he needed to re-evaluate what he wanted from this marriage and what he was going to do to finally contribute to it. I told him that he is fighting the natural order of growing and changing by staying stagnant, by putting himself before his children, by not sacrificing for his family.

I had begun to feel like I failed. Which is why I re-evaluated everything, everything I have done. I did not fail nor will I fail. I talked, I asked, I listened when he would finally talk. I tried and tried. I gave those chances. I followed our blueprint. I am still following my portion plus, school, work, and creating a business. I am not happy and the only way I can be happy is to make that happiness for myself and remove things or people from life that are not contributing to that happiness. I began changing, becoming more individual in my goals after a while. I want success; not just for me but for my children. I want them to be led by individuals that are strong positive influences in their lives. In my heart I have a small glimmer of hope, but in my head, I know the answer to the inevitable, he wont change and he will let it go just like his army career and everything around him.

This has been a hard process to push through. I did everything I could think of, without any response. It cannot be acceptable to stay in a situation that constantly causes a financial struggle, or has not trust or deep communication.

This is my heart, me, exposed, but I know I am on the right path for my children and myself. I hope he will join along, however, I do not know that anymore.

Thanks for taking the time to read this friends.

Cheers!
Bran

4 comments:

  1. Oh Bran. What an impossible situation. Thinking of you.

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  2. I'm thinking of you, too. So sad that you are going through this.
    Hugs,
    Beth

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  3. I hope it all works out for the best for you, whatever that ends up being. Good luck and know I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

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  4. Oh, honey. I'm going to email you. I can feel for you right now!!

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