Stephanie Howell is one blog I read avidly. I think it is her real sense of heart that truly captures me. I like to read about other military wives and how they march through life with their families. On those tough days it is a relief to find that other women have felt like I do. So she blogs from her heart and has encouraged many others to do so. In a way that does not criticize the individual, but allows them to really say what is on their mind. It has been a tough few months here at the Layton home and I have a few things that I want to release.
1. I have recently begun to realize that I have truly introverted away from social contact. It was not until 2 weeks ago when our family went to meet my brother-in-law and his family after almost 2 years of marriage. Granted my husband was deployed a week after we were married and their were other circumstances involved. I just feel that so much time was wasted and had I known them sooner I might not have retreated so far into my cave.
2. Last weekend I made amends with my sister-in-law, I am so happy, there was a lot involved but all it really comes down to is family is what matters and life is too short to not love them regardless. I had no idea that this caused me so much anger inside. It was like the biggest, thickest, dark cloud was lifted from my shoulders and this week life is looking clearer.
3. My hubby leaves on Tuesday for AT and training for a month, he will make a short rendezvous home for a week before leaving for a year. We have had some tough moments, where as he is much younger than I and is still trying understand the role he took on when we got married. We spent a long few months not even sure where we were heading. I never gave up, I kept helping him through a great amount of emotional turmoil he carried inside. I was afraid I lost my husband forever, he was just not the same when he came home from mission. Now we are better than ever.
4. I spent a week in the hospital last month over a nerve condition in my Bracheal Plexus (the spot in between your neck and shoulder). I am not 100% as I found out when I went canoeing. I don't know what happened, but the nerves still act up from time to time, but thankfully not as bad. I may be selfish and I never spoke a word of this to my parents, but I was a little hurt they never came to visit me. I know the hospital harbors painful memories of my older brother and my mom's near death experience when giving birth to my brother. Being home however, I know that it was ok that they did not come to see me, and I feel guilty for feeling that selfish, like I needed to be the center of attention.
5. As a mom, I know that my family will always come first, but I realized in the hospital, that I craved attention in the lonely hours between procedures. I realized that I was not doing much for me anymore and I was blaming it on other people. I know that my happiness is created by me and so I have plans to take mommy time. Painting my nails, exercising more, reading leisurely.
6. As often as I say I have too much on my plate. I always seem to keep it full...I am not certain if I crave this busy cycle or not. Last year, I fell so deep into depression after the baby, that I just wanted to give up on me, my school, my small business, my photography, it took a lot to pull me back. I now know that I had post par tum depression that was offset before the baby was born. I had a baby shower and all of the guest who responded that they were coming did not come at all. After that, I felt so lonely. When the baby was born my husband left to finish his mission. I got through the day-to-day but felt so utterly alone. Back then I could not see how to get out of it, because that depression really makes it hard to be positive. I am ok now and am ready.
7. I hate business law...I love being challenged, but I do not like being nit picked in everything I write. I have spent the entire year being taught to write my papers in one style, that when the instructor of my previous class red line my papers, I was just done. I found through communicating with my peers I was not the only one. I also felt so overwhelmed with all of the material reading for the class, not a 6 week course by far. I am still waiting for my final grade for my paper. I am so scared of failing that paper and having to retake that class again, I just don't have it in me. I feel inspired by my new class, but the last class had me doubting why I was even in college for my master's degree. I know it is not meant to be easy, but wow, with everything going on in my life, it sucked the life, creativity, and desire to do other stuff right out of me.
8. Let us talk about my frustration over the FCAT, a standardized test that can decide if children should advance or stay back and is totally disregarded by colleges. I spent the last half of the school year working with my oldest boy on how to read, think, and respond to the reading portion of this test. He was so excited that he felt he passed, only to be told he failed. This means he has 2 possible chances to pass. I gave him a mock test last night to prep for today and discovered his undoing. The boy wrote so sloppy I could barely read the written portions and he improvised on his spelling in the word jumbles instead of using up the letters. I just hope we can turn this around, because he was in tears yesterday and felt like a big failure. Thanks FCAT, for changing the aspect of the test each year so that you cannot set accurate benchmarks. Thank you for teaching our kids to feel lower about themselves, because of your testing. Mind you I took the mock test for 3rd grade and the questions were from the 5th grade FCAT from the previous year...Still mad about this.
9. I want to scrap...I have just been so caught up in how technical everyone's pages are and beautiful that I lost the reason I was scrapping...I went back to my digital roots and realized I am a pretty clean paged scrapper. I like neutral backgrounds, lots of space, with a minimalist approach, I love my color pops and fun elements, but I really need to get back to me in my physical pages. I also wanted to to PL this year, but I got so behind on it before I felt like I could get going. So, I am doing what I call "Summer Life" in which I scrap just like PL, but more involved on our summer experience. I get so caught up in what everyone else is doing that I forget, my schedule is limited and I already have a bunch on my plate.
10. I have many new focuses and plans that I want to try out in all aspects of my life...I am guilty of letting the laundry pile high because I hate laundry...I also get upset when the house is messier than it needs to be and I get upset with everyone for not helping out. I then realize that I am not asking them to help out, just expecting them too. So I am working on a new family chore system, which will be important when hubby leaves. I also have other ideas up my sleeve for the family.
Well, this is about the sum of it. These have been the biggest things on my mind and in my heart and I feel better that they are out there and I have let them go. I feel lighter and freer and I have to remember I am the change I wish to see...