Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Do you ever get the blues?

I get them just like anyone else. There has been so much going on with my family. My parents...my grams...life. Sometimes being the one to hold down the fort can be tough, even more so when you are a military wife or maybe a single parent (of both I have and am currently). It is important to reach out to your support system. This week for my school discussion we are talking about the things that we need to overcome while we our pursing our academic goals and the importance of a support system. Well, upon writing my discussion, I let out a lot of emotion. Over a month ago my dad lost his job along with 2 other men. His boss tried to lie to unemployment so he would not receive money. My dad who has never been out of work since he was 14 has been turned away to the illusive screen of internet applications. At 51 years old the old fashioned ways of getting a job are of the past and he has too much technical experience to qualify for most jobs. I have watched him cry, I have watched him berate himself, tear himself apart, feel inadequate because he feels he has failed his family. I have watched them widdle away their savings to pay their bills, and I am helping them financially with what I can. I don't want them to loose everything, I don't want him to loose everything. It hurts to watch them go through this, and yet he is looked at as just another number, to even get food stamps he is told to sell his car, his house, when will it be enough? When he has nothing, I remember nothing, I grew up with it. My older brother fought for his life, and was taken by cancer, leaving astronomical bills, my parents couldn't afford them and they lost everything on top of loosing their child. I watched them build again from nothing, but I with my nothing stood proud of my family for every small thing we had. I was beat up for being poor, I was made fun of for being poor, I had very few friends. For little independent me that was enough, but now at almost 30, I am tired of people just being another number, this is my family it hurts to watch them struggle, it hurts like the dickens. I am low today, I just need to let it out, just when I thought I could restore myself for another day, I find out my grams is having surgery Friday...she didn't want to bother other us with it, and the surgery is to remove carcenoma and find out just how far, what kind, and where else it is. Today, I feel lonely, I have been the support system that my family needs, but right now, I need a little support. It is hard enough raising my two boys while my husband is gone. In one of the most celebrated years in my life, I am filled with such a deep sadness, but I wanted someone to know, so that I acknowledge it before it becomes a huge problem. I look forward to checking my shop in the morning and at night, I love blogging, it helps me feel like I am a part of something great, I love reading blogs and being inspired. In many ways my internet world has become a support system. So thank you. Here is something I wrote tonight and I urge anyone who feels down to reach out and find someone to talk to. Do not keep it bottled up inside, it is ok to be sad, it wont last forever, sometimes just saying what you feel is the best way to feel better.

How do You?
How do you hold your head up high, when you are trying not to cry, the saddest feeling on the rise?
How do you stand by what you know is true and right, when there are those that suffer by and by?
How do you wake up in the morning and try to paint that smile, when your heart is filled with sorrow?

How do you lift up a heavy heart when it is burdened, with a pride that has been shattered?
How do you walk out the door, put on a smile for the show, look at the world no longer glow?
How do you keep one foot in front of the other, when like doom it stalks and hovers?
How do you learn to sing a new tune, change the feeling of an old room, when the sadness only resumes?

You take a deep breath, you walk out of that room, you knock on a door, you pick up a phone, you pick up a pen, and you realize you are not alone…
Brandy Layton 2011  

Depression is a reality and many of us face it to some degree in our lives. Remember that you are not alone. No matter how dapper the situation seems at the moment, it will pass, you will change, and you will become stronger in the end. If you feel sad, alone, or scared…express it. Keeping in your emotions will make you ill 10 fold. You are never really alone as long as you reach out…someone will be there to grab your hand.

Bran

3 comments:

  1. Oh that's awful when life takes a dip like that. But I did read your post and had I been a 'stranger' in the coffee-shop to whom you'd told your state of life/lack of energy - I would have listened. Which in some cases are all that can be done but also all that is needed. I hope you will find your energy soon.

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  2. I worked in a coffee shop and you know it was kind of like being a bartender. I had many people just talk about what was on their mind...and you are right; sometimes just saying what you need to say does the trick. :) Thanks a bunch! Bran

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  3. Beautiful Poem...I will say a prayer for your family!!!

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